To the Woman Hoping for a Child During the Holidays

To the Woman Hoping for a Child During the Holidays

I know your pain. I know that with each passing year you get more worried whether or not you’ll actually end up having children. I know how it feels to not be part of the ‘mom club’ during holiday gatherings. Of course your loved ones always make you feel involved but it’s still not quite the same as if you had one of your own to run around with their cousins. Your heart is torn because while you enjoy the silent night peacefully snuggled with your hubby, your heart longs to hear the pitter patter of little feet and sounds of laughter as you chase your child around the house. I know the conflicted feelings you get when a friend or family member announces a pregnancy; you are overwhelmed with joy for them and are so happy you’ll have another baby in your life to love on, but it’s also a reminder that you still don’t have your own. I know that awkward feeling you get when you feel people pity you, even though you know deep down it’s not pity, it’s just them loving you and wanting to see your dreams fulfilled.

I know how annoyed you get when people complain about their kids and you just want to shout “At least you have a child!” I also know how annoyed you get when people say “Are you sure you want one?” joking around when their child is misbehaving, or when people say “Do you want mine?” NO. No, I don’t. I want my own!

And while we love that our families are supportive and try to make us feel better, sometimes there’s just not anything that anyone can say.

That is why we need to shift our eyes above to the ultimate Comforter, Healer, and Prince of Peace. We need to immerse ourselves in His love. Jesus is the only one who can fill our hearts completely. He knows the desires of our hearts and wants to grant us His peace. We only need to ask for it and believe it. We need to ask for His guidance and for Him to reveal His will for us while we thankfully wait for His blessings. Why? Because His timing is perfect. His will is perfect. Even if His will does not include children of our own. If we ask him to reveal His will for us and help us to accept His will, and still vow to serve Him, He will bless us in other ways we can’t even imagine. So let’s not give up hope for our waiting is not wasteful. He is working in our lives every day, building perseverance and character in us. If we can show others that we still have faith and love Jesus even when we’re going through difficult times, oh what a testimony that is!

Most of the time I’m fine…most of the time. But the holidays tougher. I know in my heart God called my husband and I to begin this adoption journey. I just have to keep reminding myself that He is present with us on this journey and has a perfect plan for our lives.

I wish you joy and peace over the holidays, especially if you are waiting to be blessed with a child. Remember to spend this waiting period wisely – in prayer and seeking God’s will for your life.

Sincerely,

A Hopeful Waiting Parent Who Understands

It's Getting Real!

Quick update!

Thankfully, the agency thought our adoption profile draft was wonderful and I only had to make a couple minor edits! I just ordered the physical copies to be sent to their office, which they'll receive next week. We now officially have entered the waiting period, woo hoo! After talking about having a child for so long I can't believe we finally got to this point. EEEEEEEK!!!! I'm so excited and nervous at the same time, mostly due to not knowing WHEN it will happen. But no matter how quick or long it takes, it will be perfect in God's time.

I am excited to be able to do our baby registry but I think it's a bit early for that...settle down, Melissa! :-)

Home Study and Adoption Profile Update

Hi Family and Friends!
Well, we are trucking right along with the adoption process. We had our final home study visit on August 25th and it went really well. This time the case worker finished asking Steve questions she had for him and did a walk-through of our house. It was much less a big deal than I thought it would be. I thought she was going to have to look in closets and drawers and all, but she didn't. So at least we still got to keep some of our privacy :-) During the visit we also found out that we need to have a will completed before we adopt. We of course expected to do that once we had a child but I guess we'll need to get on that next! 

We have been working on our adoption profile (click here for a reminder of what that is). It has been no small feat! HOURS AND HOURS were spent on crafting the letter to the expectant mother along with setting up a profile photo album using the Shutterfly website. I don't know how people create photo albums online for fun...what a pain in the butt getting everything laid out how I wanted it! It's pretty nerve racking trying to decide what you want to say to a mother as a prospective adoptive parent and find all the right photos that really tell the story of your life when you only have limited space to do so. So, what do we do? We pray for guidance. And God has definitely been helping with the whole process. Thank goodness, because we can't get through it without him! 

I just sent a draft of our profile album to the adoption agency. We're hoping we're on the right track. I'm worried they'll say we have too much narrative event though we tried to cut it down and it still might be too much, but I really hope not! It's hard to be picky with what to say because you want to make the best impression and make sure you're not leaving out anything that a birth mother could potentially connect with (no pressure!). Hopefully the agency will send feedback soon. As soon as the profile is 'approved' and copies are ordered, then we're officially ready to be matched. Keep in mind, it could take a couple years to get matched but at least we're getting closer! If you need a refresher on the adoption process and the lingo I'm using, refer back to my earlier blog post.

We'll let everyone know when our profile is final and in the hands of the agency. On a quick note, I want to thank all of our friends and family for being so supportive and always willing to lend an ear! It means a lot that you are so interested in learning about what we're going through! Love ya's!

About Our 1st Home Study Visit

So, a lot of you have been wondering how things went with our first home study visit this past Sunday. The important thing to know is that everything went well! At the end of the visit, the case worker said she doesn't see any reason why we wouldn't be approved but she can't officially say we're approved until after the 2nd visit. 

This visit ended up being 3 hours. First she explained some things and asked if we had any questions. Before the next visit, we need to take an online open infant adoption course and read up on trans-racial adoptions to learn more about challenges children face with that since we indicated that we're open to adopting a child of any race. We also need to think a bit more about some other things, like age range of the child we want to adopt. Turns out that without doing the waiting child program (which is adopting from the foster system), you can still end up adopting a child of any range as part of the program we're doing as long as they aren't in the foster system. The case worker gave us an example where a mother could walk into their office and say she feels like she isn't being a good parent to her 5 y/o child and wants to give her child a better life with another family.

Then the rest of time was her interviewing us, which mostly consisted of elaborating on how we answered things in all the forms we filled out. Many people don't realize how invasive the adoption process is. They really look into every aspect of your life and what your childhood was like. Here some examples:

• What are your mother and father like, how were you raised, disciplined. Did either of your parents abuse alcohol or drugs, what was the atmosphere of your home life, etc
• Has anyone in your family ever abused legal or illegal drugs, been physically or sexually assaulted - check off all that apply. Then in the choices it doesn't just list immediate family but even asks about aunts, uncles, and cousins!!!
• Who are your siblings, what do they do for a living, how many kids they have, are they married, etc
• Then there's the typical questions you'd expect - what makes your marriage strong, what kind of parent do you think your spouse will be, what are your child care plans if you both work, who will be the guardian of your child if anything happens to you, etc.

That is just a VERY small sampling of things we have to disclose. So the conversation isn't always comfortable. I had to talk about some things that I didn't really want to talk about, like my struggles with anxiety for one. Fortunately, I can honestly say I'm doing much much better in that area! Needless to say, I was mentally tired after this visit was over! 

Steve has to check his work schedule before we make our next visit appointment with the case worker. Stay tuned on the date for that. The next visit should be much easier because it will mostly be her doing a walk-through of the house/yard, talking about our health insurance, updating our financial statement if needed, and answering any questions we have about the online course and anything else we studied. 

One down, one more to go!
 

First Home Study Visit is Scheduled

Now that our home study packet has been mailed in, a case worker will conduct two visits to our home as part of the home study process. We just scheduled our first visit for Sunday, June 26th at 1pm. We were told it will last about 2 hours. We're excited that the process continues to move along! 

I get a lot of questions from family and friends asking what the home visit is for and wanted to share this link I found helpful to give you a better idea: http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2013/preparing-for-a-home-study-what-you-need-to-know

Please be praying that our visits go smoothly and no major corrections need to be made to our house in terms of safety hazards, etc. Also please pray for wisdom, guidance, and integrity as we are interviewed. 

We love you all and the support you're showing! 

Homestudy Forms Completed!

Well after taking about a month to fill out all the forms in the homestudy packet, we are finally finished! Just made copies for our records and then I'll put it in the mailbox when I get home from work tonight. Once the agency receives it, they should be calling us to schedule our first home visit.

I had an adoption dream last night; been having more of those lately! Makes me even more excited :-) We still have a lot we want to get done to the house in preparation for welcoming our future child, starting with getting the basement completely finished off so we can have more living space. Hopefully we can get that done over the summer.

We're looking forward to having our own little one and watching them play with all the cousins. He or she will has so many people loving them already <3

The Adoption Process - Abbreviated

Not everyone realizes what a lengthy process you have to go through to adopt! Below are some of the beginning phases of domestic open infant adoption in a nutshell. P.S. Most agencies nowadays only do open infant adoption (where there is communication between the child, you and the birthparents even after adoption) because it's better for the child's overall being; closed adoptions are discouraged.

1. Complete and mail in the application – This consisted of personal info, such as years we’ve been married, overview of any medical conditions, financial statement (income and expenses), waiver forms for doctors and employers to release information to the agency, copies of birth certificates, etc. A lot but not too bad. This part is done.
2. Get Fingerprinted – Obviously they want to make sure you don’t have a criminal background or any records of child abuse. We’ve now both been fingerprinted.
3. Homestudy (This is where we’re at!) – This part of the process is very extensive. The homestudy process usually takes a couple of months to complete and get approved. The agency mailed us a packet that includes lots of forms to complete, along with two home visits. The homestudy is used to really help the agency get a comprehensive picture of our life and family. We have to get medical forms, answer questionnaires, etc. It’s EXTREMELY personal; if only you could see some of the questions on the forms! But I won't go into all that. During the home visits, the case worker will interview us together and separately as well as inspect our home for safety (make sure the utilities work, that we have a room for our future child, things like that).
4. Family Profile – After the homestudy is approved, we put together a family profile scrapbook, or make one digitally and get it printed. This will include a letter to the birthmother including information about ourselves, our family, etc. We'll provide photos of us, our home, our extended family...really a snapshot of how our life is. 
5. The Waiting! The adoption agency will show our profile to any birthmother they think will could be a potential match for us. Then the birthmother can choose to meet us in person if she wishes to discuss our level of openness we're willing to agree to, how we plan to raise the child, etc. Then it's up to the birthmother to choose us or another couple/person to place her child with for adoption. From what I hear, the waiting can be the hardest part
6. The Match - Once you are officially matched, meaning the birthmother chooses you and you agree, things still aren't quite final. 
7. Placement - You'll talk to the birthmother to determine how things will go once she goes into labor. Some adoptive parents will go to the hospital right away, some will wait until the actual birth. For me, I think the labor/birth will be the scariest time for me in this process. Although the birthmother will have chosen us already, the birthparents legally cannot sign over birthrights until 72 hrs after their child has been born in NJ. Essentially, that still gives the birthparents 3 whole days after the baby is born to change their mind. We could take the baby home on day 2 and then on day 3 the parents could say they changed their mind and decided they want to raise their child. We have to be as mentally prepared for this situation as we possibly can be, because it does happen sometimes.
8. Adoption Finalization - After the birthparents have signed over birthrights and the baby is in your care, the case worker checks in a number times to see how everything is going. After about 60 days I think is when the adoption is legally finalized.

 Sooo family and friends...any questions?

Respectful Adoption Language

Turns out there are positive and negative ways to talk about adoption. Steve and I have already started using these terms. It would be much appreciated if our family and friends consider this when speaking to us about it. It helps to foster respect for the birth family and child, which is very important :-)

Why We Decided to Adopt

After a few years of trying to conceive a child of our own to no avail, I thought maybe we should start thinking about adoption. That was the seed God planted years ago but we figured we had plenty of time to decide. Steve said that he didn’t want the reason we adopted a child to be because we couldn’t conceive a biological child. He thought we should only do it if we both felt that’s what God wanted us to do. A few years later, God started whispering to us and it grew louder. I remember waking up very early a couple of weekends and and feeling like I just kept hearing a voice in my head saying “adoption”. After that happened a couple times, I asked Steve if he had thought more about it and he said that he actually did feel it tugging at his heart lately too and we started praying for guidance. That’s how we knew it’s was God’s desire for us to adopt – because he put the desire in both of our hearts at the same time.
 

I started slowly researching about the adoption process, domestic vs international adoptions, foster to adopt, etc. It seemed overwhelming. We took some time to process everything we learned. Finally we decided to check out local adoption agencies about infant adoption. We met with the adoption director at Lutheran Social Ministries in Burlington, NJ and felt so comfortable with the people there. We chose to work with them because we felt like it was the best fit.